I have been single for two years now and I’m enjoying it. I get to focus more on discovering and creating myself. I appreciate the company of my friends and workmates. I want to set the same record I had when I was in high school — no boyfriend for four years (as if it was even the right time to have a boyfriend. But well, my classmates and schoolmates had.) However, there are these emotions that I feel each time I see sweet couples, when I hear someone talk on the phone with their lover, and when I learn about content and loved women on social media. I feel insecure. I just immediately wish I had someone. I feel miserable.
Despite these bothersome emotions, I believe staying single is a good idea. I just consider these emotions as temporary ones so I wouldn’t be paranoid. I would rather be single than be in a fake relationship. To be honest, I actually don’t believe I still deserve to be with any guy so getting myself involved with anyone is no good idea. I’m like a damaged girl. I have let myself fall easily for the guys in the past. I have let them take advantage of me. I was too nice, and then it was only after a couple of mistakes, when I actually started standing for myself and decided I’m staying single. I thought being genuine, nice, understanding begets true love.
It’s only been two years, though, yet it feels like forever. I’m not sure I can stand being alone forever. But honestly, I wouldn’t want to be. Although, I don’t believe I deserve to get married and have a family, somehow, I hope someone will come and tell me my past has nothing to do with my future, even when it would be a foolish thing since this wouldn’t have been the case had I not messed up.
I want to be single for the meantime, but I wouldn’t want to be single forever. I don’t know what to do to be deserving again, but I hope someone genuine and sincere will come and accept me, even when such thing mostly happens only in series and movies.