Hi. It’s been a while. I haven’t been posting here because of the other blog but today I’ve decided to post here. I just wanna let out some thoughts. I’m not sure I’ll feel better and make better decisions after but I hope for the best. Read down.
Are you considered lazy when you aren’t motivated to do the things you have to do because you don’t feel like doing them anymore?
Have you ever felt like you don’t want a 9 to 6 job anymore ’cause you’re just tired?
Are you the person who basically just works because he has other people to support?
Have you ever come to a point where in you realize what you once really wanted no longer makes sense because you’ve figured it’s not really the kind of thing you’d want to be doing?
Have you ever quit something just to pursue something else which you’ll have to do on your own?
I am totally confused. I’m only 24, have only started working like 2 or 3 yrs ago and I’m already tired. Well, actually after my first job, I already wanted to start my own thing. It’s like I never really wanted to work for other people from the very beginning. I only pursued the jobs I had because society tells me to and because I needed a source of income. Also, I thought having some achievements I can be proud of, having something I can show people that I have skills, getting a trendy job in the country, being an ESL teacher, a call center agent would make me content. It turns out it was all for the money so I could send home and I wasn’t really feeding my soul. Well, perhaps yes at some point I was happy at work, but lately as I’ve been letting myself lost in baking, I realized that the happiness I had when I was working as an ESL teacher or a call center agent was nothing compared to the happiness I felt every time I would make a new creation. It is so priceless that probably not even a high paying job can compare.
I am sure following that tradtional lifestyle — having a job, is the sure way to go in life, but my desire to just start something new on my own hasn’t just occured to me since yesterday. I’ve had it for years so this isn’t just like a rush decision. There’s this city, a small one that I’ve always imagined myself settling down at. I also imagine myself being someone who contributes to the development of this city and every time I go there, I just feel so excited like I can already make that dream happen. So basically my desire to start my own thing doesn’t only stem from my desire to pursue baking, well actually sweets, foods and drinks.
Now the thing is, I don’t have any savings since my money always go to my younger siblings’ studies, my family. I actually found a new job but after being there for 3 nights, I got sick so I wasn’t able to finish the reauired 7 day training so I can continue so I technically lost it. Prior to getting hired again, though, I had been confused as to which job to apply for because I realized night shift is not good for my body as I am already skinny, but for ESL, they either pay really low or they don’t accept undergrads, so baking came into the picture. I got depressed not only because I didn’t want to just get a job just to have one. I wanted to be in a company that compensates well, but there were 2 companies that had rejected me so I somehow slowed down in job hunting. Going back, here I am again, back to zero, but this time I literally don’t want to get a job anymore or work for other people. And I know this is insane because I have 2 college students (younger brothers) whom I’m supporting and they can’t work part-time as there aren’t any opportunities at where they’re at, but this is really what I want. I am already tired of having to go to work everyday, doing something I’m not good at and I’m not sure if I’ll ever be since even confidence doesn’t seem to help.
And I told a friend about this and he just laughed and also asked how are my younger brothers going to continue going to school and I got somehow frustrated. Is this what life all about? Paying your bills, working, and having to support other people? (My younger brothers aren’t other people but you know what I mean.) I am just so tired.
I am so tired of the same routine I want to work at my own pace now. Why can’t everyone support me? Why can’t circumstances let me? Do you know why?